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Teigan's Journal

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I miss livejournal.
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Well, I'm updating cause my hottie raymond told me to and i do what i'm told... especially when she calls me a gine.
I love summer. End of story. I just love it. I love keeping busy, I love being lazy......i love it all. I love talking until my mouth is dry and weird, I love laughing till my tummy hurts, I love stars, bonfires, cuddling, bonding, swimming, hugs, cruising....

I've decided that I seriously need to re-evaluate how things are right now. I need to re-evaluate our relationship and decide if I'm being fair. no, i already know I'm not being fair. The fact of the matter is that i'm chicken. I'm scared... because I'm scared of being sad again but honestly, sadness for a little while will make way for happiness and I guess in the end that's better. Stuff hurts, mistakes are made..it happens. I need to decide what I want right now. I want laughs, I want cuddles, I want happiness and comfort. I don't want fighting, watching my words, being careful all the time, and missing him. I don't want that. And why I haven't stepped forward and made changes is because he breaks my heart everytime I bring it up.. and I care about him so much. I wish things were happy and laughy still. I must be bad with relationships or something. I shouldn't have feelings for other people when I'm supposed to be in love with him. I hate hurting him, and I hate hurting and I wish things weren't so goddamn complicated.
Heartache is disgusting and I wish there was some way I could make this easier, but I know it's going to be the hardest thing ever.. if I even have the guts to follow through with it ever. Waiting it out to see if things get better results in more unhappiness..... it's just I'll miss everything about us and I'll hate the hurt. I'll miss having someone who loves me always. It seems so idiotic to give up on love, especially when I know he loves me so much. I feel dumb, but I just keep asking myself: what do you want?!
And I don't feel like I have what I want with this relationship.
I hate hurting people so much, I really wish I could either fast forward or rewind.
I make huge mistakes, I hate myself for them... but I'm young and I guess i'm still learning.
I wish i had answers, and I wish i didn't have to lose him because I'm going to miss him so fucking much when this all ends. It hurts just thinking about it. I'll want to be with him so badly.
I wish I didn't feel like I had to end this becuase I really don't want it to end.
Current Music:
summer - india arie
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Speeding Cars - Imogen Heap

Here’s The Day You Hoped Would Never Come.
Don’t Feed Me Violins
Just Run With Me Through Rows Of Speeding Cars.
The Paper Cuts, The Cheating Lovers,
The Coffee’s Never Strong Enough,
I Know You Think It’s More Than Just Bad Luck

There There Baby, It’s Just Textbook Stuff,
It’s In The ABC, Of Growing Up,
Now Now Darling, Oh Don’t Lose Your Head,
Cause None Of Us Were Angels & You Know I Love You Yeah.

Sleeping Pills, And Our Sleeping Dogs Lie,
Never Far Enough Away,
Glistening In The Cold Sweat Of Guilt,
I’ve Watched You Slowly Winding Down For Years,
You Can’t Keep On Like This,
Now’s As Bad A Time As Any,

There There Baby, It’s Just Textbook Stuff,
It’s In The ABC, Of Growing Up,
Now Now Darling, Oh Dont Kill Yourself
Cause None Of Us Were Angels & You Know I Love You Yeah.

It’s Ok By Me, It’s Ok By Me, It’s Ok By Me, It Was A Long Time Ago

There There Baby, It’s Just Textbook Stuff,
It’s In The ABC, Of Growing Up,
Now Now Darling, Don’t Lose Your Head,
Cause None Of Us Were Angels & You Know I Love You Yeah.

Dance class at school was too freaking emotional for words. We all finished our solos and half way through Karen's solo she had tears running down her cheeks and then Kaylene, Casie, Ms. Blake and I all burst out into tears and it all became so real. That's the last time I'll ever see Karen dance and it was such a geniunely beautiful dance, nothing about it was fake, it was completely her and it was so moving. Then Casie did hers and I lost it.
We all sat in the corner of the studio talking about the dances and giving each other comments and I was mid-comment for Casie and I completely choked up and that hardly ever happens where I just completely loose it.. I can usually keep it together. I didn't even feel it coming. I was fine and then whammo I lost it and I just spat out a few words like never leave me, never stop dancing or i'll cry even more, i'm going to miss you all so much
and pretty much everyone was crying and it was just such a beautiful moment I can't even describe.
Ms. Mepstead said something like "I know I'm saying the words but I can't fully describe.. I wish you guys could just climb inside my heart and see how much you mean to me cause I can't even begin to tell you."
holy crap, so many tears.

god, this is so hard
it's so hard to sum up how I feel, and i think it's the hardest thing to sum up goodbyes. I don't like it at all but it's kinda beautiful at the same time.
Current Music:
speeding cars - imogen heap
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It hasn't hit me yet that we have less than a week of high school together left. It hasn't sunk even, even though we've had prom, after-prom, yearbook signing....
It's effing hard to grasp the idea that we'll all be separated in a few months.
I remember at the beginning of last summer thinking, oh man... this time next year will be so hard... AND NOW IT IS THAT TIME! and it IS hard, but it will only seem real when we're all in different places and we won't see each other everyday.
Think about it, we've seen each other everyday for like 3 or 4 years.
I hate change so much sometimes. Maybe I'm over-reacting and this will be an okay change, but just thinking about it... just makes me really sad.
I'm definitely ready for summer. I want to go play in the park and take cute summery pictures of laughing and swinging and I want no homework, no stress, no flipping out on people cause I'm stressed.
I want pure laughs!!!!
I'm dreading August when it all changes flajddsf oh guys :(
I will register for Huron alone without any of you loves for my good ol' victory lap. hahfdsafdsahaha i hate how its called that.
You better bring me to party with you at your unis.
Soon I will be old too, and go away.
I remember registering for grade nine with my mom. I entered from the caf door and was literally like a deer in the headlights, looking at all the people in the area in front of the caf doors. So bewildered and fresh. I was wearing this lameo striped polo and floppy hair and I remember I didn't wear any makeup usually but that day I slapped on some mascara.
I was so afraid!
I didn't have lunch with any of my friends, i hated gym class, and was pretty much a loner.
My locker was a lone boner, amongst like 927523 empty ones in a deserted hall cause I didn't think we were allowed to pick lockers until we were told to (so whipped)
I had math class with Jenny and i was so eager, and definitely got student of the month. How I miss those fresh-faced days. I met Katherine in my mermaid shirt and braids, sporting my pink cast.
Grade ten was ... so good.
I wasn't as awkward and we all came togehter as friends. I laughed a lot more, and was still pretty childish but still tried hard in school. Lumley sported her floral capris, Hemsworth was hot, Phylactou caught me "almost loosing my fuck", and we ate lunch on the portable porch. <3
The summer consisted of finding out my mom had cancer, and essentially growing up. None of us really had jobs yet, so we were all able to hang out so much. SLIDESHOW AT STEPH'S!?!! <3
Grade eleven, we finally found our exact groove in the whole high school world. We weren't the TOP dogs, but we weren't the awkward little ones anymore. I actually skipped, for the first time ever. I starting dating Mack and did so that entire grade eleven. We all became really close that year and tried new things, became curious georges. School got harder, and we began to get jobs, but still managed to hang out quite a bit.
The summer before grade 12, i remember realizing it was the last one before the summer before we all went away, but it still didn't sink in.
My mom finally began to be herself again and the day before grade 12 Mack and I broke up. I took it too hard, was sad for too long, and wasted too much of the beginning months of grade 12 feeling sorry for myself.
This year we definitely all grew up, even if it was just a little. With so muhc schoolwork and jobs, we didnt hang out nearly as much as we wanted to, but we still had so many laughs.
It still feels like it's still 2002, like no time has passed. I still feel like I should be in high school for longer and that it isn't time to change yet :(
I would do it all again for sure... I can't even believe high school is coming to a close.
I am an emotional bear. I'd like to say I have no regrets from these four years, but that's pretty hard... I guess things woldn't be like this now, though.. if things had been different. I mean, just little things like keeping in touch with acquaintances, being friendlier, trying harder in certain subjects. It's all over now though, and I'd say we all were pretty lucky to have what we had.

I stole these from Erin; I love themCollapse )
Current Music:
upside down - jack johnson
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Dance showcase was soooo much fun yesterday.
We had a close call with our hiphop music, got yelled at a bit, but we fixed it up... and looking back it was kinda funny. "i drink that cum!"
gagahgah love it.
Going on stage for hiphop was so effing fun though, no lie! It was such a high; i got offstage and was said I WANNA DO IT AGAIN!
I'm proud we pulled that bad boy together. I felt like such a gangsta.
The asian dance went well too, Karen killed me well and I fell to the ground like a champ and then she bowed.
Jenny Holo did my hair and makeup up style. I love that woman!
Zach and my parents came to watch last night :D.. i was pleased and they brought me roses <3
im gonna post some pics here soon, but this time i actually will.. .not just like all the times I say I will.
Everyone come tonight if you can!!! 7:30 at newmarket theatre. you'll have fun, i promise! AND ITS AIR-CONDITIONED.

bye lurves.
Current Mood:
excited excited
Current Music:
mz new booty - BUBBA SPARKS ft. ying yang twinzzzz
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Sometimes I wish I could videotape arguments or fights to see how the hell they started. It seems so pointless fighting, and then I don't even know why we are fighting, and then we don't know how to fix it because we don't even know what it's about. I get so frustrated with going around in circles.
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Why has this year gone by so unbelievably quickly :|
Prom is in 13 days..
i actually can't even believe it.
this scares me! definitely feeling a sense of nostalgia, rather than excitement.
I tell myself I like change, but who am I kidding... I hate most change.
Grades 10 and 11 were so prime, like so many laughs, plus we were young and majorly jobless, so we could chill almost every weekend.
dsflakjsdflj I'm just glad we're all loving it up tonight,
why does time go so damn speedy!
Prom will be good times I'm hoping... Kendo and I went on Thursday to our fitting for our dresses. Mine still needs more adjusting, Katie's looks gorge though. I'm so excited to see everyone all spiffy and jazzed up, it's going to be emotional.
I'm at work as per usual and no one has even come in yet since I opened at 10. My hands are freezing and I think I need to start drinking coffee cause my eyes are sore with tiredness.
No dance today :)... so we will all proceed to dinner and then DA VINCI CODE, and slumber at gine's.
sunday I want to go to the drive-in with zach, hopefully it won't RAIN this time (we wanted to go last night)
my mom gave us this perverted speech about drive-in's and about how when she was little she would run around and look at the steamed up windows at the drive-in!?!? what a perv????
I'm so jealous of everyone with their university plans. I want to go so badly now becuase of all the excitement i see everyone having..
and plus it would just be so awesome to go away,
but i'm young and not ready to fly i suppose.
student council elections happened this week, and i sported my VOTE MIKE PACE wifebeater proudly for two days ina row. I'm pretty happy with who the council will be next year... everyone I voted for got in except for head girl.
c'est la vie!
I want to go to wonderland :( but I did not get a pass and it seems like no one did this year?! i'm depressed about that fact cause wonderland is always such good times. I might get a pass later.
i still can't believe it's almost summer.

things i want to do this summer:
learn the worm
learn to roll my R's
want us all to go to montreal for a weekend
go to wasaga with zach
have some more of the sharon prowling days with ray like the one where we bought neil beef jerky
have summer sleepovers <3
go to wonderland
kiss in the rain
go to silent lake
have another "slideshow" day

and obv lots more.
ohhh this is sad.
our last summer all togeth.
i'm gonna go clean or something,

Current Location:
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Someday You Will Be Loved - Death Cab

I once knew a girl
in the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer,
all beauty and truth
But in the morning I fled,
left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved, you'll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs like I never occurred

Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
And someday you will be loved

You'll be loved, you'll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved, you'll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved
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I am in such a good mood right now, I love it
i don't even know why, I'm just so happy.
It's light out until LATE now, it cheers me up like you wouldn't believe.
I closed up tonight at 8 and walked outside and the sky was GORGEOUS, and the sun was setting and I just smiled and fell in love
My friends make me laugh every day
I love them
I am having so much dancing
I just am very happy right now

ohhhhhhhhhhhh nothing can bring me down on this wednesday night

Current Music:
there is - boxcar racer
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So today was the grade 10 literacy test, meaning that i didn't go in for class since i have a first period spare and i figured ballantyne could miss me just this once.
i woke up early and finished my french essay and then i showered and went to pick up ariana at sacred, and then we went to aurora high to find zach and we were prowling the halls and we were intimidated by all the cool aurora highers so we were like GAH. then we found zach and sebastian and so we drove to sebastian's house, fondled his trampoline and his motorcycle for a while (HE PROMISES ME A RIDE ON THE BACK OF IT TOMORROW!! HOT DAMN WHOA) and basked my albino skin once again in the beautiful sunshine.
it was getting late-ish so we dropped sebast off at the VIVA bus stop and then ariana, zach and i went to the mall. ate, cruised around, i was the only real shopper and they were bored with me i could tell, so after hitting up ae and other randoms, we scurried back to the car only to realize that i have to work at 4 and that didnt give me enough time to drive them home and iw as like fudddddge, so i had to drop them up by mulock and yonge and i felt horrible becaues it was pretty much a 45 minute walk for both of them. at least it was a nice day, i do feel guilty however.
so i got to work on time, it's very slow tonight however because i guess exams are going on and stuff, but i'm keeping busy by organizing for inventory.
i'm going to do a quiz because i'm bored and parched but i can't go out and buy a drink and i didn't think ahead and bring one along.

HI"Collapse )
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